King John: A Bad Luck Name in Kings
And especially bad in a city where governance is supposed to be democratically decided. (Makes frowny face..)
Now, John. I have had to reprimand your friend Douglas for sneaking behind people’s backs and telling fibs, and it seems he has led you astray. Or you have led him astray. It may have begun innocently, with the two of you smoking rolled-up leaves out behind the garage and filching adult entertainment magazines from the corner store and stealing the lunch money of schoolkids shorter than you, but these things escalate, and opportunity beckoned, and power corrupts, and now it seems you want to be king. By king, I mean someone who always gets his way because no one else has any power to stop him
Not a good idea, John. Kings named John have not worked out well. John I of France ruled for 5 days, about the same length of time as he lived. John II of France made a mess of the seige of Bréteuil, constructing an enormous seige tower which went up in flames, then made a mess of the Battle of Poitiers and was taken hostage. John of England lost a bunch of land, suffered a Baron’s Revolt, was forced to sign Magna Carta – which he then violated – and was despised as a tyrant. Maybe adopt a different royal title? Use the middle name and become King Howard? It’s a thought.
Thing is, we just don’t trust kings named John all that much. We don’t believe they will act in the public good. It would be nice if King John I of Toronto would prove us wromg, but we’d rather not take the chance. You don’t want to go down in history as a tyrannical flop, now, do you? Do I have to put on my Eldrich Crone outfit and get out the crystal ball and the Quill Pen and the Tim Winter hair extensions and the Purple Cross-Eyed Zozzle Curse? John, John! Don’t make me do it!
Once the Quill Pen comes out… things get serious.
A Tribute Poem (apologies to A.A. Milne)
(Now, John. You are a good person really. Don’t be like this!)