The Report of my Death...

...is an exaggeration. So far.

Hi kids. Ready for the exam?

Despite what you have heard, or may be about to hear – the thousand-tongued goddess Rumour being what she is — I am not at Death’s door. I am merely in Death’s gazebo, an attractive structure on the lawn, quite far from the main entrance, where one lounges at ease, protected by mosquito netting (this being Canada), while sipping cool drinks such as water and undergoing medical tests. Here is a picture of me doing that, in case you doubt my word:

A nice colour of blue.

Yes, after a long argument with my heart, which began with an extra-systole (extra heartbeat) diagnosed when I was twelve and recently exploded into a fullblown wrestling match with Atrial Fibrillation, I am about to join the ranks of the cyborgs. In short, a pacemaker will be installed in me to keep the misbehaving heart under control. This will be a relief, as I have recently taken to toppling gracefully over onto the parquet, or else the lawn, whatever is handy. All that will come to an end on Wednesday, sez they, when I will enter the Tunnel of the Pacemaker a gasping, shrivelled wreck, and emerge from the other end doing the full “Good Morning” tapdance routine from Singing in the Rain.

This op is a matter of some urgency, sez they, after looking at my recent monitor results and recoiling in horror. So they slotted me in as quickly as possible.

I expect that many of you have encountered or experienced similar stories. Several of my relatives have, so I come by this condition honestly. (Great Uncle Percy, I’m sorry that you and your “weak heart” did not have the benefit of one of the miracles of modern medicine; likewise Grandfather Killam, who was a doctor himself.)

Unfortunately this means I can’t be there in person at the Simcoe County Greenbelt Coalition and funder on Saturday, https://www.simcoe.com/life/margaret-atwood-author-of-the-handmaids-tale-to-host-simcoe-county-greenbelt-coalition-fundraiser/article_680697c3-88e5-5ef9-a083-af60d3b79378.html, though I hope to be present in spirit, and via Zoom on a screen. Yes, the Greenbelt has been saved for now, thanks to cross-Ontario community action, but further trials await.. (Are we running out of groundwater, just for instance?)

I also can’t be there at the Writers’ Trust Stortytellers’ Ball. It’s on the 25th, and so is my RobotWoman renovation, so I’ll be present only in spirit. The theme this year is Gothic, and I conspired with Dollarama to come up with a knock ‘em dead outfit, but alas, I can’t use it there. I have however dressed up in the glitz and made them a video, which I’ll share after the event. Your batty Hungarian countess vampire granny would be proud of me!

That’s the story. No zombies this time. I’ll be very pleased to have done with the intermittent Darth Vadar breathing routine, and happy not to have to fake it at Public Events, smiling brightly while trying not to land face down in the mashed potatoes. (Yes, I did the entire Impatient Griselda story for Theatre of War while having an Episode… but you’d never know eh?)

See you soon, with my tap shoes on! If all goes well. Fingers crossed.